Bodies, amirite?!
On the subject of things both strange and marvelous, I’ve discovered and experienced the body in a few new ways since this all started…
After being under general anesthesia (where do we go???), you have to wake up certain parts of your body. Bladder included! The first morning after surgery, they place something called a pure wick upon your female nethers. This is to allow you the convenience of peeing right from the comfort of your hospital bed. It was so weird to have to pee, and yet mentally I was blocking myself from letting it go. I kept saying “five, four, three, two, one, and we’re going…and we’re going now…and no, we are not”. After 30+ years of not peeing my pants, my bladder was like, “What, bitch? After all that potty training? Nah!”
During the surgery, they also deflated my left lung to allow more rootin’-around space. So afterward, I also needed to wake her back up by doing a series of breathing exercises. These exercises came with two different pieces of equipment. One looked like a plastic beaker with a tube attached. Inside the beaker was a bead, and when you breathed out, the goal was to get that bead sky high. The other one looked like a plastic toy horn and provided the most fun. When you breathed out into it, it made a noise that can only be described as a long and satisfying fart.
When released from the hospital after my first cycle of chemo, I needed a booster shot. The chemo brings my Immune System to her delicate knees, and this shot is a helpful, albeit a bit painful, way to recharge my white blood cells. The nurse explained that the shot wakes up my bone marrow and initiates a surge of new white blood cells. It gets momentarily crowded, all the newbies trying to make a good impression, and so I felt achy in my back, ribs, and hips - the big bones. And then these newbies disperse into my bloodstream. Bodies, amirite?!
I’ve been impressed by my body for a long time. She put up with the chaos of an eating disorder. She held out during the severest moments of my addictions to alcohol and pills. She put one foot in front of the other even as my mind belittled and doubted her.
In my sobriety, I spend a decent amount of time relearning and reconnecting to this vessel of mine. After years of fear, I love resting a warm palm on my soft and supple belly, I once tried to disown. It took me a while; however, I’m now listening. And it’s not always easy; however, I’m also staying put in the arms and legs that root me to this earth.
I’m now asking even more of this freckled friend. And she’s showing up with grace despite the new bruises.
Body, you are a badass, and I love you. I will do all that I can to keep reminding you of that.
With love and curves,
Nutmeg
Photo Credit: Christopher Oyen
Taken during a dance therapy moment at the Sober RE Bozeman Retreat in 2022. I’m losing myself in a Florence + the Machine song. Shortly after, I threw up a little from dancing so hard.
