Presence
Friends!
Before anything else: thank you. For reading and bringing your presence into this space where I wrestle, surrender, heal, and ramble. I hope you ate something delicious for lunch recently. \
I heard Dr. Mariel Burque on a podcast speak about collecting ‘small moments’ in your daily life, as a way to regulate your nervous system. It's a practice I enjoy, and I was grateful for the reminder.
In my practice, what qualifies as a small moment is truthfully boundless. I mentally take a photograph or video of the moment. Let it hold my genuine attention for at least 10 seconds. And then 10 seconds more.
Navigating into my day, whether in the hospital or at home, with the mindset of capturing small moments is how I choose and enjoy this wild ride. To practice, my attention is required in the present, and I’m therefore far less likely to demon-dance with the past or filly-fally with the future.
Crushing Chemo Cycle 4 on Location - The Hospital
We were not yet out of the car, pulling up to the hospital for cycle 4, when a woman walking outside caught my attention, pointed to her head and me, then mouthed “I love it!” and did the heart symbol (the one with both hands). She noticed my henna crown. Something new I wore as I floated onto the ward this round. Thank you, Naqiya, for gifting me such elegance. You are a true artist, and your energy reminds me of sun on skin after a moment in the shade.
I’ve never had so many people want to know my name, birthday, and time of last bowel movement. I worry that, after all is said and done, I’m going to be at a networking event and accidentally tell a well-meaning stranger the last time I made poop and when to send me a present.
Walking the ward in my big tangerine-colored headphones, IV pole at my side, listening to RuPaul’s “The House of Hidden Meanings”.
Filling my room for the week with that good, good energy that comes from three friends visiting with gossip and donuts.
Taking it one step further in my hospital room interior design career by adding tea lights to the decor and nightly routine. (The tea lights provided by the Shabbat Boxes delivered to me on Fridays by The Velva G. & H. Fred Levine Jewish Chaplaincy Program).
Coolin’ Down in Recovery Cycle 4 on Location - Balcony Bodega*, Mostly
*the name of F&G’s balcony, where birds and squirrels snack & gossip
Making Goddess water in a sexy glass pitcher. Bathing in purified water is: mint, cucumber, lemon, and ginger. And did I mention the pitcher - so sexy!
Feelin’ fly in my bucket hat in support of Pride month.
I feel complicated a lot during the recovery weeks. This time between treatments offers positive opportunities and moments. I covet the time I’ve spent standing at the open window, bird and squirrel watching with F &G. It’s a gift from a not-so-gifty situation.
Sometimes I feel guilty, like an adult with so much time to play (hence the Linda the Lizard photos below - Linda is the sheriff in town when I’m away - obvi).
I try to counteract that with gratitude and honesty.
Some of this time feels imprisoning and painful. Some of this time feels empowering and healing. Hopefully, this kind of situation will never happen again.
I say to my reflection: The time is yours, baby, take it. There is a whole world waiting to get you back to work, believe you me, so make that perler bead coaster and lose yourself in discovering every bird and tree you see (shout-out to the apps Merlin and iNaturalist).
Melons are having a big moment, at least in my house! Watermelon: down the hatch. Honeydew: om nom nom. Cantaloupe: a piece barely made it from the cutting board to Tupperware.
Having lunch with my brother, midday, on a Friday. Over Cava, he regails about his morning where he had to convince Willa into a one-piece bathing suit, something he himself has never done before, and wondered: Arms or feet first?” Both my brothers are these witty, resilient, and loving men, and it’s dope to watch them grow as fathers now.
My goal next week is to attend my first Cancer Support Group. I hope to bring back small moments.
With love and melon moments,
Nutmeg
If you or someone you know is going through a cycle of hospital treatments or specifically PMBCL and you want to connect even more on all the wips and whims of this experience, feel free to message me at themegposner@gmail.com. If you’re just curious because science is interesting and want to know more about my treatment and have compassion-led questions, reach out as well!
